This morning started like a normal one. I got a call from my sister with a so called life changing quote that her babysitter told her half an hour earlier. The quote didn't really strike me as anything special when she told it to me. It was, "Forgiveness is letting go of hope that the past could have worked out differently." Or something like that. It wasn't until later in the day when I was having a talk with Matt, that things started clicking. My brain started doing its normal thing, playing my life backwards, some parts in slow motion. It isn't a great movie, but it is the one I have.
I started thinking about people that have come and gone in my life. Most of them I no longer have contact with. Some, it is required I do so. Either way, the ones who have done me wrong, have no remorse, no guilt, no regret. I am the one living with the scars and the pain of what happened. I guess what I learned was I am the only one suffering. No one else. I guess I thought that by holding a grudge, holding the hatred inside, they somehow suffered. There is one flaw there. If they didn't care enough to not hurt you, they don't mind that they did. So who benefits from me letting go? I do. They let go a long time ago. I am ready to let go too.
I am in a good place for what may be the first time. I really do not have anything to complain about. I have a wonderful job, an amazing man in my life, and friends that seem to want to be there for me when I need them. What else is there really? Yes, day to day struggles get the best of me some days. I'm not perfect. Being a mom is wonderful, being a single mom is....adventurous to say the least. Add on to that the trials of car trouble, not enough money, snow storms, and a long distance relationship. At the end of the day though, it all makes sense. I can picture the future as a happy one. No matter what happens, I know that I can do things on my own. I hope I will not have to, but I am confident in my ability to do so. I don't think I have ever believed in myself before. It is so bazaar to hear about others believing in me. So abnormal, yet, heartwarming.
In closing, I am letting go of hoping things could have been different. I would not be in the place I am if they had. For that, I am thankful. I am forgiving, and in time, forgetting the bad, only seeing the good.
