Ghosts

Have you ever thought something was done and over with and out of somewhere unexpected a memory shows it's face? It can take control of your every thought at this point, like a living breathing organism that infiltrates your very being, like a virus. I was getting along ok. Not great, but I was ok. I tried to take a stride, and boom I was smacked in the head and knocked 2 feet back. My head knows it's over. My heart is struggling to catch up. I guess rushing it didn't help. I just want it to either break completely to where I can't feel a damn thing, or to get over it. Limbo is where I do not want to be. Hell, I feel silly at times for hurting over it. SILLY. Logic tells me I am being silly, but once again....I miss him. Songs remind me of him, traffic reminds me, FOOD reminds me, it's fucking crazy. Literally...crazy. I could probably write about him for hours. I won't, but I definitely could. I miss being able to sit in silence, and be content, we didn't have to talk, we knew what the other was thinking half the time anyways. Yes, it was a difficult relationship, he was difficult, but there was something in his eyes that made it all worth it. I keep hearing, "Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY dating the right girl for me." I'm sure he doesn't remember even saying it, but that's the memory that keeps haunting me. I thought he was too. Walking away from him was like leaving pieces of myself behind. Do you believe in fate?, he asked me. Yes, but I never thought THIS was my fate.

Sunshine

It's amazing how just a little fresh air and sunshine can bring you from one mood to another. I woke up this morning and was feeling pretty numb. Throughout most of the day I felt like a zombie. I had some fun at work today for a change though if you can believe that ;). Then we got to go home early, and I went for a long walk just alone outside, trying to clear my head. It worked wonders. I caught myself smiling today...lately it was almost like I had forgotten how. Well, I had a recent night where I was laughing, and crying almost simultaneously. Talk about a weird feeling. That has never happened before, and to be honest, I hope it never does again.

Bottom line...sunshine is amazing.

Mixed

Today was an interesting day. It was emotional, and fluxuating. It started as any other, bummed about going to work. LOL. Then it went haywire, as usual. My mind starting running and boom, I was in the Twilight Zone. Everything running through my head, including being told that someone was still in love with me. How in the world can that be true, when it never seemed they loved me to begin with? A heart is like a mirror, once it's broken it can be fixed, however you can still see the cracks. I don't believe anymore that people can change. I once did, but at this point I guess I have finally realized that they don't. Not my mother, not Justin, and in the end maybe not even myself. I'd like to think I have changed, and learned, but to be honest I'm not really sure I have done either. I would love to say that I will be stronger, wiser, better next time. The truth is, I probably won't. I will care, and try, and probably regret it later on.

On a positive note...well...actually I got nothing right now. I'm doing good to not be in tears at this point.

Reflection

 There are some nights when I can't turn my brain off. If you know me at all, this doesn't surprise you. Whether it's about one thing or another, it's a never-ending movie that keeps playing over and over in my head that I break down scene by scene to analyze how it went and what it all means, etc. Last night it was mostly about the usual...

People.

 My life seems to be a revolving door. Meaning people come and go, no one ever sticks around for very long. I'm not quite sure yet if this is a reflection on me, or just the people I choose to allow in to my life. Either way I guess it's a reflection on me and my judgement. My ex-husband once told me that I was blind to people. I called him judgemental, he said I was neive. Maybe he was right. Giving people the benefit of the doubt isn't the best usually. In my experience the ones you do tend to use you in one way or another. Footprints left behind, my ass, try craters. I've hardened more than I used to be when it comes to letting someone close to me. Even now though I am still fooled from time to time. You think someone is genuine and is worth the risk of letting the wall come down. It's going to be different this time. Reality lets you know different. They will, in the end, still hurt you. I have learned hurting is inevitable. It's whether they bail on you after hurting you that is a true testament to character. Bailing is easy. Cowardly. Weak. Sticking around, proving that you are worth the effort, is not the easy path, it's the path less chosen. One word. Dedication. If the person makes you happy, why not dedicate yourself to keeping them around? "You deserve better." Is not a statement that makes sense. All that says is, " You deserve better, and I'm not willing to do the work to be better for you, it's not worth it to me. YOU are not worth it to me." At the same time, all I can do is sit there and think, "let me show you I am worth it." Which, I'm not sure which is worse, the original statement or my need to prove otherwise. I guess it's my dedication. When someone makes me happy, I tend to try my best not to lose them. Whether it's a friend, lover, or family. I would like to just once, have the effort returned. It seems I'm the option. Not the priority. Disposable. Unremarkable. I'm not sure anymore if that will ever change. I used to have hope that there was someone out there that would love me as much as I did them, but my hope in that is quickly fading. Lately, I can't even depend on myself, much less someone else. I never know which Sabrina I'm gunna get when I wake up. Is it going to be a strong "I am woman hear me roar" day, or a "oh shit FML" day? To those of you who have been witnessing my mess, you know who you are, and I thank you for being a shoulder for me. Love you.