Kervorkian

I was watching a television show last night about geneology. The family wouldn’t talk about their heritage because the grandmother had committed suicide when the mother was 3. So therefore, the family was ashamed and did not want to speak on the subject. The child would ask and the mom would just change the subject. The child’s concern once they became an adult was if depression ran in the family, if there was a mental illness that they should be aware of. The mother could only see the failure, the suicide. She could not see past the actual event to realize there was a much bigger picture that was involved.

What came to my mind was that is it better to know a parent committed suicide, or to watch one deal with their demons in another way, drugs, alcohol, sex. Is it better for them to have been snuffed out persay and not have  that affect on the family, or is it better for the next few generations to see an example of someone who is self destructive, and in turn may follow in their lead?? Yes, both outcomes are bleak for the actual person suffering. However, which is worse on the children and next generations??

Personally, I think that dealing with an unjustified suicide would be a lot easier to handle than watching someone you love destroy themselves year after year after year. Their mind long gone before their body. That is a torture that doesn’t always need to be drug out. Watching someone like that you have the typical questions of why, but not only that, you have this sense of helplessness, that instead of being a passing feeling that you can mourn and move on, is lingering for the remainder of theirs, and ultimately your life.

Should there be a “Kervorkian” of mentally ill people?!

The Ultimate Debate

I woke up this morning with a headache, as usual. I could have slept another 2 hours, but am instead wide awake writing this. Lucky you. The topic on my mind this morning is want vs. need. Would you rather be wanted or needed? Of course, I mean in the personal relationship category, not the "mommy" one. In the past, I had a very quick answer to this. I have always felt that I needed to be doing something. I needed to take care of someone, and in turn, it was necesarry for me to feel NEEDED. I wanted the other person to rely on me, not to be able to live without me. When that was gone, I felt empty, with no purpose. If I am not able to take care of someone, what good am I? This morning it hit me!!!!! I want to be WANTED. I realized there is a difference. Doing someone's laundry, making them dinner, paying bills, running their errands.....all that does not make a person love you. It makes them use you. It makes them rely on how easy you make their life, but at the end of the day all you are to them is an "employee", a person that suits their needs and nothing more. SO now I have changed my own perspective. I do not want to be needed. I want to be wanted. For that person to just want ME and not what I can do for them. To enjoy the time we spend together and not just how clean I keep the house or how good my meatloaf is. When asked , "Why are you in love with her?" I want the response to be something other than a household duty. I think I am on the right track in that department. Time will tell. It always does. :).

Lightning

In the past couple of weeks, I have been through a few changes. Today I was thinkng about stormy weather, and what we all tend to do to avoid being caught out in it. I remembered how when I was walking in to work in the rain I saw other women running, squealing because they were getting rained on...I thought to myself, it's not acid! sheesh. Then, as my mind wandered, I was comparing lightning to life. Lightning is the flash of light for a split few seconds that illuminates all around us. If we have our eyes open to it, then we can see everything there is to see. I have recently had my own dose of lightning in my life. It tends to make you reflect on how things are so different in the dark. How something that you thought was good, really in a dfferent light, well...isnt. It can also make  you see things that you didn't know were there at all. Make you compare how you are used to certain things, yet are able to appreciate how they are now. Thankfulness is the best word I can think of right now. I always believed that bitter makes you appreciate the sweet. I still firmly believe this. I would like to add that you cannot have lightning without the thunder. No rainbow without the rain. On to the next topic...

I was standing in line at the grocery store the other night when a woman in front of me was talking on her phone. This is not newsbreaking, but at the end of her conversation she instinctly said "I love you." Minutes later she gets on the phone again, with it seemed the same person, as the conversation picked right up where it left off. Again, the last words were "I love you." It got me to thinking about how those words have become conversation fillers. How sometimes we tend to over-use it, or say it based on a sole reflex. When did those words lose their meaning? Do not mistake what I am saying...I do not think we should stop saying it by any means, but it should not come out just as easily as "see ya later." or "have a nice day." It is almost as if we are robots that recite what we are programmed to say. Shouldn't the ones we love already know how we feel, by our actions? You can say it all day long, that doesn't always make it true. The people you love, know that you love them because you show that you care. You may not shower them in "I love you's" every minute of the day, but at the end of the day, they can feel it. THAT is how it should be. Hearing it is always nice, but feeling it is ten times better. (TWSS). Next...

It is now July, and half the summer is over. I can honestly say that the last couple months have flown by!! They have been busy, hectic, exciting, exhaaaaausting, but oh so worth it. I have 3 concerts down, 3 to go, with probably more in the works now that my extremely talented bf is in a band :). I am oh so proud of him. There are awesome plans yet to come this year, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I think we have lots to come in our future. Traveling, music, food, and of course laughing at all our stupid inside jokes that everyone looks at us like we are crazy for....:) Everything is finally meshing. It's easy like Sunday morning.

Forgiveness

         This morning started like a normal one. I got a call from my sister with a so called life changing quote that her babysitter told her half an hour earlier. The quote didn't really strike me as anything special when she told it to me. It was, "Forgiveness is letting go of hope that the past could have worked out differently." Or something like that. It wasn't until later in the day when I was having a talk with Matt, that things started clicking. My brain started doing its normal thing, playing my life backwards, some parts in slow motion. It isn't a great movie, but it is the one I have. 

          I started thinking about people that have come and gone in my life. Most of them I no longer have contact with. Some, it is required I do so. Either way, the ones who have done me wrong, have no remorse, no guilt, no regret. I am the one living with the scars and the pain of what happened. I guess what I learned was I am the only one suffering. No one else. I guess I thought that by holding a grudge, holding the hatred inside, they somehow suffered. There is one flaw there. If they didn't care enough to not hurt you, they don't mind that they did. So who benefits from me letting go? I do. They let go a long time ago. I am ready to let go too.

         I am in a good place for what may be the first time. I really do not have anything to complain about. I have a wonderful job, an amazing man in my life, and friends that seem to want to be there for me when I need them. What else is there really? Yes, day to day struggles get the best of me some days. I'm not perfect. Being a mom is wonderful, being a single mom is....adventurous to say the least. Add on to that the trials of car trouble, not enough money, snow storms, and a long distance relationship. At the end of the day though, it all makes sense. I can picture the future as a happy one. No matter what happens, I know that I can do things on my own. I hope I will not have to, but I am confident in my ability to do so. I don't think I have ever believed in myself before. It is so bazaar to hear about others believing in me. So abnormal, yet, heartwarming. 

         In closing, I am letting go of hoping things could have been different. I would not be in the place I am if they had. For that, I am thankful. I am forgiving, and in time, forgetting the bad, only seeing the good.