Reflection

 There are some nights when I can't turn my brain off. If you know me at all, this doesn't surprise you. Whether it's about one thing or another, it's a never-ending movie that keeps playing over and over in my head that I break down scene by scene to analyze how it went and what it all means, etc. Last night it was mostly about the usual...

People.

 My life seems to be a revolving door. Meaning people come and go, no one ever sticks around for very long. I'm not quite sure yet if this is a reflection on me, or just the people I choose to allow in to my life. Either way I guess it's a reflection on me and my judgement. My ex-husband once told me that I was blind to people. I called him judgemental, he said I was neive. Maybe he was right. Giving people the benefit of the doubt isn't the best usually. In my experience the ones you do tend to use you in one way or another. Footprints left behind, my ass, try craters. I've hardened more than I used to be when it comes to letting someone close to me. Even now though I am still fooled from time to time. You think someone is genuine and is worth the risk of letting the wall come down. It's going to be different this time. Reality lets you know different. They will, in the end, still hurt you. I have learned hurting is inevitable. It's whether they bail on you after hurting you that is a true testament to character. Bailing is easy. Cowardly. Weak. Sticking around, proving that you are worth the effort, is not the easy path, it's the path less chosen. One word. Dedication. If the person makes you happy, why not dedicate yourself to keeping them around? "You deserve better." Is not a statement that makes sense. All that says is, " You deserve better, and I'm not willing to do the work to be better for you, it's not worth it to me. YOU are not worth it to me." At the same time, all I can do is sit there and think, "let me show you I am worth it." Which, I'm not sure which is worse, the original statement or my need to prove otherwise. I guess it's my dedication. When someone makes me happy, I tend to try my best not to lose them. Whether it's a friend, lover, or family. I would like to just once, have the effort returned. It seems I'm the option. Not the priority. Disposable. Unremarkable. I'm not sure anymore if that will ever change. I used to have hope that there was someone out there that would love me as much as I did them, but my hope in that is quickly fading. Lately, I can't even depend on myself, much less someone else. I never know which Sabrina I'm gunna get when I wake up. Is it going to be a strong "I am woman hear me roar" day, or a "oh shit FML" day? To those of you who have been witnessing my mess, you know who you are, and I thank you for being a shoulder for me. Love you.