I went and bought my Christmas tree tonight. It's up, bare as of right now, but it's mine, and in my home, with water and making my house smell amazing. It's odd. I have this small nagging in my mind. It's kind of hard to explain, but I will do my best to do so coherently. This time 2 years ago when I was seperated from Justin during the holidays I was a complete wreck. I had a bf, but it didn't matter. I wanted to see my in-laws, wanted that large family get together. I missed the hustle and bustle of celebrating Christmas for the entire month of December because we had so many places to visit. It was something that completely depressed me. This year though, it's weird...I don't feel empty. I don't feel the need to do all that. Don't get me wrong, I still very much want that with someone, eventually. I have a total girly dream of the big family celebrations, and being the grandma that hosts them every year. I guess I am just surprised that I am not missing him. Is that normal? I never really did miss him this time. As sad as that sounds, I didn't. I get lonely, yes, but that's just missing a warm body next to me, not HIS. Maybe it will affect me on Christmas Day when I am sitting at home alone. Maybe it won't matter, maybe it will just feel like another day. Who knows? All I know is right now, I am not sobbing as I am looking at my tree or wishing things were different.
I do still miss my in-laws, and love them dearly. Unfortunately, things happen and it isn't possible to act like they didn't. There are plenty of things I "could" regret, but in the end, what good is regret? I can honestly say, things changed the way I will do things in the future. Some for the good, and some for the worse. Meaning I know I have changed forever, not from a failed marriage but the love I found after it. Love I never felt while being married. Love that I know I will always look back on and be glad that I experienced. Life isn't the same without someone you love. You most definitely can live without someone. When you find that person though, you just don't want to. Sometimes you have to, and do so. At the end of the day you never live without them, because once they are in your heart, they never really leave. You may not physically be with the person, or even near them. Maybe they do not even talk to you any longer. However, they live inside you. You will think, wonder, dream about them. There is no escaping that. People brand you. Whether good or bad, it happens. Bad normally overtakes the good, as in we tend to remember the bad more, but there are the good times that you won't lose, as long as you choose to look on those memories, and keep them alive, rather than the ones you wish you could change. Things happen for a reason. This statement has been my friend and my worst enemy at the same time. There are days I wish I could say I don't believe it, it is the most fake statement in the free world, but I know better. I kinda feel like I am in an AA meeting, taking one day at a time. Although I'm not sure what my recovery statement should be. It is obviously not X days sober, or whatever. Hmmm. Maybe X days single?! Wow, umm let's say no to that one. Michelle would like this one...X days being free from codependency! LOL. Bottom line, I think it is human nature to want to coexist with someone that appreciates and acknowledges you. I don't see this changing any time soon. Everyone wants somebody. However, I don't want just anybody. I want my Big Fish. I personally think I caught it and it broke free of the line. For now though, I think I am just going to sit on the banks, enjoy the sunsets off the water, and reserve my fishing for a later date. The ocean is a big place to explore and can take time for the fish to be found again. Hmmm, now I want sushi!
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