Kervorkian

I was watching a television show last night about geneology. The family wouldn’t talk about their heritage because the grandmother had committed suicide when the mother was 3. So therefore, the family was ashamed and did not want to speak on the subject. The child would ask and the mom would just change the subject. The child’s concern once they became an adult was if depression ran in the family, if there was a mental illness that they should be aware of. The mother could only see the failure, the suicide. She could not see past the actual event to realize there was a much bigger picture that was involved.

What came to my mind was that is it better to know a parent committed suicide, or to watch one deal with their demons in another way, drugs, alcohol, sex. Is it better for them to have been snuffed out persay and not have  that affect on the family, or is it better for the next few generations to see an example of someone who is self destructive, and in turn may follow in their lead?? Yes, both outcomes are bleak for the actual person suffering. However, which is worse on the children and next generations??

Personally, I think that dealing with an unjustified suicide would be a lot easier to handle than watching someone you love destroy themselves year after year after year. Their mind long gone before their body. That is a torture that doesn’t always need to be drug out. Watching someone like that you have the typical questions of why, but not only that, you have this sense of helplessness, that instead of being a passing feeling that you can mourn and move on, is lingering for the remainder of theirs, and ultimately your life.

Should there be a “Kervorkian” of mentally ill people?!

The Ultimate Debate

I woke up this morning with a headache, as usual. I could have slept another 2 hours, but am instead wide awake writing this. Lucky you. The topic on my mind this morning is want vs. need. Would you rather be wanted or needed? Of course, I mean in the personal relationship category, not the "mommy" one. In the past, I had a very quick answer to this. I have always felt that I needed to be doing something. I needed to take care of someone, and in turn, it was necesarry for me to feel NEEDED. I wanted the other person to rely on me, not to be able to live without me. When that was gone, I felt empty, with no purpose. If I am not able to take care of someone, what good am I? This morning it hit me!!!!! I want to be WANTED. I realized there is a difference. Doing someone's laundry, making them dinner, paying bills, running their errands.....all that does not make a person love you. It makes them use you. It makes them rely on how easy you make their life, but at the end of the day all you are to them is an "employee", a person that suits their needs and nothing more. SO now I have changed my own perspective. I do not want to be needed. I want to be wanted. For that person to just want ME and not what I can do for them. To enjoy the time we spend together and not just how clean I keep the house or how good my meatloaf is. When asked , "Why are you in love with her?" I want the response to be something other than a household duty. I think I am on the right track in that department. Time will tell. It always does. :).

Lightning

In the past couple of weeks, I have been through a few changes. Today I was thinkng about stormy weather, and what we all tend to do to avoid being caught out in it. I remembered how when I was walking in to work in the rain I saw other women running, squealing because they were getting rained on...I thought to myself, it's not acid! sheesh. Then, as my mind wandered, I was comparing lightning to life. Lightning is the flash of light for a split few seconds that illuminates all around us. If we have our eyes open to it, then we can see everything there is to see. I have recently had my own dose of lightning in my life. It tends to make you reflect on how things are so different in the dark. How something that you thought was good, really in a dfferent light, well...isnt. It can also make  you see things that you didn't know were there at all. Make you compare how you are used to certain things, yet are able to appreciate how they are now. Thankfulness is the best word I can think of right now. I always believed that bitter makes you appreciate the sweet. I still firmly believe this. I would like to add that you cannot have lightning without the thunder. No rainbow without the rain. On to the next topic...

I was standing in line at the grocery store the other night when a woman in front of me was talking on her phone. This is not newsbreaking, but at the end of her conversation she instinctly said "I love you." Minutes later she gets on the phone again, with it seemed the same person, as the conversation picked right up where it left off. Again, the last words were "I love you." It got me to thinking about how those words have become conversation fillers. How sometimes we tend to over-use it, or say it based on a sole reflex. When did those words lose their meaning? Do not mistake what I am saying...I do not think we should stop saying it by any means, but it should not come out just as easily as "see ya later." or "have a nice day." It is almost as if we are robots that recite what we are programmed to say. Shouldn't the ones we love already know how we feel, by our actions? You can say it all day long, that doesn't always make it true. The people you love, know that you love them because you show that you care. You may not shower them in "I love you's" every minute of the day, but at the end of the day, they can feel it. THAT is how it should be. Hearing it is always nice, but feeling it is ten times better. (TWSS). Next...

It is now July, and half the summer is over. I can honestly say that the last couple months have flown by!! They have been busy, hectic, exciting, exhaaaaausting, but oh so worth it. I have 3 concerts down, 3 to go, with probably more in the works now that my extremely talented bf is in a band :). I am oh so proud of him. There are awesome plans yet to come this year, and I couldn't imagine it any other way. I think we have lots to come in our future. Traveling, music, food, and of course laughing at all our stupid inside jokes that everyone looks at us like we are crazy for....:) Everything is finally meshing. It's easy like Sunday morning.

Forgiveness

         This morning started like a normal one. I got a call from my sister with a so called life changing quote that her babysitter told her half an hour earlier. The quote didn't really strike me as anything special when she told it to me. It was, "Forgiveness is letting go of hope that the past could have worked out differently." Or something like that. It wasn't until later in the day when I was having a talk with Matt, that things started clicking. My brain started doing its normal thing, playing my life backwards, some parts in slow motion. It isn't a great movie, but it is the one I have. 

          I started thinking about people that have come and gone in my life. Most of them I no longer have contact with. Some, it is required I do so. Either way, the ones who have done me wrong, have no remorse, no guilt, no regret. I am the one living with the scars and the pain of what happened. I guess what I learned was I am the only one suffering. No one else. I guess I thought that by holding a grudge, holding the hatred inside, they somehow suffered. There is one flaw there. If they didn't care enough to not hurt you, they don't mind that they did. So who benefits from me letting go? I do. They let go a long time ago. I am ready to let go too.

         I am in a good place for what may be the first time. I really do not have anything to complain about. I have a wonderful job, an amazing man in my life, and friends that seem to want to be there for me when I need them. What else is there really? Yes, day to day struggles get the best of me some days. I'm not perfect. Being a mom is wonderful, being a single mom is....adventurous to say the least. Add on to that the trials of car trouble, not enough money, snow storms, and a long distance relationship. At the end of the day though, it all makes sense. I can picture the future as a happy one. No matter what happens, I know that I can do things on my own. I hope I will not have to, but I am confident in my ability to do so. I don't think I have ever believed in myself before. It is so bazaar to hear about others believing in me. So abnormal, yet, heartwarming. 

         In closing, I am letting go of hoping things could have been different. I would not be in the place I am if they had. For that, I am thankful. I am forgiving, and in time, forgetting the bad, only seeing the good.

         

        

Iridescent Life.

The past few days have been good ones. I thought it would be a nice change of pace to write while I am actually happy. I am learning to just accept things the way they are, and put everything in perspective. Is being alone for a few months really that bad?! Nope. Some people have been alone for most of their life, and you don't hear them whining about it. I have chosen to look past the lonely nights, and rather take them in as a relaxation mechanism. Yes, I have not gotten perfect at not wanting to be of use, but what use am I to someone who doesn't really see what I am giving them? Moral of the story, be of use to myself first and foremost.

At this point, with a new year beginning, I am hopeful for a fresh start. I am going to do things a bit differently. I am totally back to my previous mindset of my older blog "Amazing". I had a slight relapse where I wanted to try and turn back time with someone, but I have accepted things the way they are once and for all. I am ok with them not being in my day to day life. I feel stronger. I have never felt strong before. I have been feeling half alive. A spark in me is growing, glowing, refusing to be dimmed.

Speaking of a new year, and new things....I am starting my new call center job on Jan. 3rd. I am going to do my best to come out of my shell, we shall see. I am usually so tense about meeting new people. What's the worst that can happen?! They don't like me? Who the fuck cares. In reality, I hate 95% of the population anyways. I am hoping this leads to more money, which means paying off my debt, and being able to do things I love to be doing, like traveling, spending time outside of my house, and maybe actually getting my tv channels back!!! That's a long story...

Looking back on 2010, I have a few things I am willing to leave behind. I also have a lot of things to be thankful for. Yes, I realize Thanksgiving is over, but I am in a mushy mood, so be it. I have met new people, became close to those I already knew, but overlooked. I have been shown a side of myself that I didn't realize was there. Found out that I can do things that I thought were impossible. I went through quite a few life changes this year. A divorce, living on my own for really the first time successfully, learning a new job mid-year, going back to school, and buying a new car. All in all, it was a very stressful, yet productive year. I am still standing, and cannot wait to see what 2011 has in store for me.

On a side note, it completely drives me crazy that I cannot see who reads this, so do my OCD side a favor...comment, even if it is just, "I read this crap."

Human Nature

I went and bought my Christmas tree tonight. It's up, bare as of right now, but it's mine, and in my home, with water and making my house smell amazing. It's odd. I have this small nagging in my mind. It's kind of hard to explain, but I will do my best to do so coherently. This time 2 years ago when I was seperated from Justin during the holidays I was a complete wreck. I had a bf, but it didn't matter. I wanted to see my in-laws, wanted that large family get together. I missed the hustle and bustle of celebrating Christmas for the entire month of December because we had so many places to visit. It was something that completely depressed me. This year though, it's weird...I don't feel empty. I don't feel the need to do all that. Don't get me wrong, I still very much want that with someone, eventually. I have a total girly dream of the big family celebrations, and being the grandma that hosts them every year. I guess I am just surprised that I am not missing him. Is that normal? I never really did miss him this time. As sad as that sounds, I didn't. I get lonely, yes, but that's just missing a warm body next to me, not HIS. Maybe it will affect me on Christmas Day when I am sitting at home alone. Maybe it won't matter, maybe it will just feel like another day. Who knows? All I know is right now, I am not sobbing as I am looking at my tree or wishing things were different.

I do still miss my in-laws, and love them dearly. Unfortunately, things happen and it isn't possible to act like they didn't. There are plenty of things I "could" regret, but in the end, what good is regret? I can honestly say, things changed the way I will do things in the future. Some for the good, and some for the worse. Meaning I know I have changed forever, not from a failed marriage but the love I found after it. Love I never felt while being married. Love that I know I will always look back on and be glad that I experienced. Life isn't the same without someone you love. You most definitely can live without someone. When you find that person though, you just don't want to. Sometimes you have to, and do so. At the end of the day you never live without them, because once they are in your heart, they never really leave. You may not physically be with the person, or even near them. Maybe they do not even talk to you any longer. However, they live inside you. You will think, wonder, dream about them. There is no escaping that. People brand you. Whether good or bad, it happens. Bad normally overtakes the good, as in we tend to remember the bad more, but there are the good times that you won't lose, as long as you choose to look on those memories, and keep them alive, rather than the ones you wish you could change. Things happen for a reason. This statement has been my friend and my worst enemy at the same time. There are days I wish I could say I don't believe it, it is the most fake statement in the free world, but I know better. I kinda feel like I am in an AA meeting, taking one day at a time. Although I'm not sure what my recovery statement should be. It is obviously not X days sober, or whatever. Hmmm. Maybe X days single?! Wow, umm let's say no to that one. Michelle would like this one...X days being free from codependency! LOL. Bottom line, I think it is human nature to want to coexist with someone that appreciates and acknowledges you. I don't see this changing any time soon. Everyone wants somebody. However, I don't want just anybody. I want my Big Fish. I personally think I caught it and it broke free of the line. For now though, I think I am just going to sit on the banks, enjoy the sunsets off the water, and reserve my fishing for a later date. The ocean is a big place to explore and can take time for the fish to be found again. Hmmm, now I want sushi!

Dating...

Dating. One word but it has a ton of weight. It also has many different meanings to different people. To me it means, anxiety! Dating is a chore. It is almost like a second full time job. One that is very exhausting, and emotionally draining. I have had a few very interesting dates lately. It kinda reminds me of one of those comedy movies where the woman has these blind dates and there is usually something very funny or weird about the guy and she gets "the call". Haha. I haven't used the call before, but I have used homework and or "man, look at the time, it's already 8:30 PM?? Where did the time go!!??" Hhaha!

I like that since I don't care at this point about winning someone over so I am not alone, now I am the one who says, "I'll call you." or "I'll text you."  Someone asked me recently, "If you do not care about impressing me what's the point?" (This question came about because I had answered a question of his and he didn't believe my answer, and I stated "Well, I could really care less if you believe me or not, I am not here to impress you.") I answered with, "Look, I am me, what you see is what you get. Period. I am not in to pretending to be something completely different than myself. Those days are over." He was shocked. He asked me why I was being so rude and callous. I bluntly looked at him and said, "Well, I am not being rude, it's called being honest, but it's not for you, we should call it a day." He stammered for awhile and said of course not, let's have some fun. Which we did, but I did not talk to him again. He texted for awhile, to no avail. Some days I feel like I am living Beyonce's 'If I were a boy'. LOL.

I was sitting today talking with a friend, about different relationships we had been in. It is amazing when you look back and you honestly cannot remember why you spent time with someone. I had a bf that ignored me completely. We dated for 9 months, until I met Justin. All it took was Justin to say, "Why don't you leave that loser for me?" That was a time when I did not leave someone before having another one lined up. As horrible as that is, that was the reality of it at that time in my life. I literally moved from one house to another. Looking back on this, that was not the best way to handle things. Unfortunately, I did not have anyone close to me to advise me differently. Although, honestly, being as stubborn as I am I probably would not have listened anyways. I was 18 and knew everything in the matters of love. HA! That is how a 27 year old man was able to sweet talk me in to doing whatever he wanted. When sweet talking didn't work, he knew how to use painful words to get the job done. Then there is the awesome relationship with the man that I thought was "the one". Well maybe relationship is too strong a word. My friend and I have lived the exact same scenario. It's rather sad. Fell for a man/boy who had a gf and told us, "oh I'm gunna leave her as soon as I find a place". Yeeeeah. After a few weeks I realized that wasn't happening, and went back to Justin. This man though, was in and out of my life for the last 7 years. Looking back I cannot believe it has been that long, and that it took me 6 years to be able to tell him no. He was the only person I have ever met in my life that I can be so mad my blood is boiling, but as soon as I see him I cannot seem to remember why I was mad in the first place, all the anger goes away and is replaced with pure adoration. The sad part is, he is now married to a woman whom he has rarely been faithful to, and she is aware of this. All I can say is WOW. Then there are the relationships that you think wtf was I thinking? You look back on it and see all the things that were 'odd' about it, and wonder how did I not see that while it was going on?! For someone who analyzes EVERYTHING, I sure do miss a lot! I think the problem is when I analyze things, not only do I see the problems, but I analyze them to the point of justification, almost like it was my fault for analyzing it in the first place. I should trust my instincts. I WILL trust my instincts. I made the statement earlier this week that I am not the pursuer, I am the pursuee (not sure if that is a word, but we are gunna go with it). Was talking with a friend about a recent guy who we had gone out on a few dates, but he is kind of wishy-washy. Everyone likes him, and she asked me well why don't you just ask him what his deal is. I said, "It's not my job to ask him. If he's not interested, I'll move on to the next. Period." I don't text first anymore, I don't call. I am not worried about being alone. I know that I won't be. Hell, I think in my lifetime the longest I have been truly single is a couple months. Maybe not even that. I am going to enjoy this time, it's actually pretty fun :)