Iridescent Life.

The past few days have been good ones. I thought it would be a nice change of pace to write while I am actually happy. I am learning to just accept things the way they are, and put everything in perspective. Is being alone for a few months really that bad?! Nope. Some people have been alone for most of their life, and you don't hear them whining about it. I have chosen to look past the lonely nights, and rather take them in as a relaxation mechanism. Yes, I have not gotten perfect at not wanting to be of use, but what use am I to someone who doesn't really see what I am giving them? Moral of the story, be of use to myself first and foremost.

At this point, with a new year beginning, I am hopeful for a fresh start. I am going to do things a bit differently. I am totally back to my previous mindset of my older blog "Amazing". I had a slight relapse where I wanted to try and turn back time with someone, but I have accepted things the way they are once and for all. I am ok with them not being in my day to day life. I feel stronger. I have never felt strong before. I have been feeling half alive. A spark in me is growing, glowing, refusing to be dimmed.

Speaking of a new year, and new things....I am starting my new call center job on Jan. 3rd. I am going to do my best to come out of my shell, we shall see. I am usually so tense about meeting new people. What's the worst that can happen?! They don't like me? Who the fuck cares. In reality, I hate 95% of the population anyways. I am hoping this leads to more money, which means paying off my debt, and being able to do things I love to be doing, like traveling, spending time outside of my house, and maybe actually getting my tv channels back!!! That's a long story...

Looking back on 2010, I have a few things I am willing to leave behind. I also have a lot of things to be thankful for. Yes, I realize Thanksgiving is over, but I am in a mushy mood, so be it. I have met new people, became close to those I already knew, but overlooked. I have been shown a side of myself that I didn't realize was there. Found out that I can do things that I thought were impossible. I went through quite a few life changes this year. A divorce, living on my own for really the first time successfully, learning a new job mid-year, going back to school, and buying a new car. All in all, it was a very stressful, yet productive year. I am still standing, and cannot wait to see what 2011 has in store for me.

On a side note, it completely drives me crazy that I cannot see who reads this, so do my OCD side a favor...comment, even if it is just, "I read this crap."

Human Nature

I went and bought my Christmas tree tonight. It's up, bare as of right now, but it's mine, and in my home, with water and making my house smell amazing. It's odd. I have this small nagging in my mind. It's kind of hard to explain, but I will do my best to do so coherently. This time 2 years ago when I was seperated from Justin during the holidays I was a complete wreck. I had a bf, but it didn't matter. I wanted to see my in-laws, wanted that large family get together. I missed the hustle and bustle of celebrating Christmas for the entire month of December because we had so many places to visit. It was something that completely depressed me. This year though, it's weird...I don't feel empty. I don't feel the need to do all that. Don't get me wrong, I still very much want that with someone, eventually. I have a total girly dream of the big family celebrations, and being the grandma that hosts them every year. I guess I am just surprised that I am not missing him. Is that normal? I never really did miss him this time. As sad as that sounds, I didn't. I get lonely, yes, but that's just missing a warm body next to me, not HIS. Maybe it will affect me on Christmas Day when I am sitting at home alone. Maybe it won't matter, maybe it will just feel like another day. Who knows? All I know is right now, I am not sobbing as I am looking at my tree or wishing things were different.

I do still miss my in-laws, and love them dearly. Unfortunately, things happen and it isn't possible to act like they didn't. There are plenty of things I "could" regret, but in the end, what good is regret? I can honestly say, things changed the way I will do things in the future. Some for the good, and some for the worse. Meaning I know I have changed forever, not from a failed marriage but the love I found after it. Love I never felt while being married. Love that I know I will always look back on and be glad that I experienced. Life isn't the same without someone you love. You most definitely can live without someone. When you find that person though, you just don't want to. Sometimes you have to, and do so. At the end of the day you never live without them, because once they are in your heart, they never really leave. You may not physically be with the person, or even near them. Maybe they do not even talk to you any longer. However, they live inside you. You will think, wonder, dream about them. There is no escaping that. People brand you. Whether good or bad, it happens. Bad normally overtakes the good, as in we tend to remember the bad more, but there are the good times that you won't lose, as long as you choose to look on those memories, and keep them alive, rather than the ones you wish you could change. Things happen for a reason. This statement has been my friend and my worst enemy at the same time. There are days I wish I could say I don't believe it, it is the most fake statement in the free world, but I know better. I kinda feel like I am in an AA meeting, taking one day at a time. Although I'm not sure what my recovery statement should be. It is obviously not X days sober, or whatever. Hmmm. Maybe X days single?! Wow, umm let's say no to that one. Michelle would like this one...X days being free from codependency! LOL. Bottom line, I think it is human nature to want to coexist with someone that appreciates and acknowledges you. I don't see this changing any time soon. Everyone wants somebody. However, I don't want just anybody. I want my Big Fish. I personally think I caught it and it broke free of the line. For now though, I think I am just going to sit on the banks, enjoy the sunsets off the water, and reserve my fishing for a later date. The ocean is a big place to explore and can take time for the fish to be found again. Hmmm, now I want sushi!

Dating...

Dating. One word but it has a ton of weight. It also has many different meanings to different people. To me it means, anxiety! Dating is a chore. It is almost like a second full time job. One that is very exhausting, and emotionally draining. I have had a few very interesting dates lately. It kinda reminds me of one of those comedy movies where the woman has these blind dates and there is usually something very funny or weird about the guy and she gets "the call". Haha. I haven't used the call before, but I have used homework and or "man, look at the time, it's already 8:30 PM?? Where did the time go!!??" Hhaha!

I like that since I don't care at this point about winning someone over so I am not alone, now I am the one who says, "I'll call you." or "I'll text you."  Someone asked me recently, "If you do not care about impressing me what's the point?" (This question came about because I had answered a question of his and he didn't believe my answer, and I stated "Well, I could really care less if you believe me or not, I am not here to impress you.") I answered with, "Look, I am me, what you see is what you get. Period. I am not in to pretending to be something completely different than myself. Those days are over." He was shocked. He asked me why I was being so rude and callous. I bluntly looked at him and said, "Well, I am not being rude, it's called being honest, but it's not for you, we should call it a day." He stammered for awhile and said of course not, let's have some fun. Which we did, but I did not talk to him again. He texted for awhile, to no avail. Some days I feel like I am living Beyonce's 'If I were a boy'. LOL.

I was sitting today talking with a friend, about different relationships we had been in. It is amazing when you look back and you honestly cannot remember why you spent time with someone. I had a bf that ignored me completely. We dated for 9 months, until I met Justin. All it took was Justin to say, "Why don't you leave that loser for me?" That was a time when I did not leave someone before having another one lined up. As horrible as that is, that was the reality of it at that time in my life. I literally moved from one house to another. Looking back on this, that was not the best way to handle things. Unfortunately, I did not have anyone close to me to advise me differently. Although, honestly, being as stubborn as I am I probably would not have listened anyways. I was 18 and knew everything in the matters of love. HA! That is how a 27 year old man was able to sweet talk me in to doing whatever he wanted. When sweet talking didn't work, he knew how to use painful words to get the job done. Then there is the awesome relationship with the man that I thought was "the one". Well maybe relationship is too strong a word. My friend and I have lived the exact same scenario. It's rather sad. Fell for a man/boy who had a gf and told us, "oh I'm gunna leave her as soon as I find a place". Yeeeeah. After a few weeks I realized that wasn't happening, and went back to Justin. This man though, was in and out of my life for the last 7 years. Looking back I cannot believe it has been that long, and that it took me 6 years to be able to tell him no. He was the only person I have ever met in my life that I can be so mad my blood is boiling, but as soon as I see him I cannot seem to remember why I was mad in the first place, all the anger goes away and is replaced with pure adoration. The sad part is, he is now married to a woman whom he has rarely been faithful to, and she is aware of this. All I can say is WOW. Then there are the relationships that you think wtf was I thinking? You look back on it and see all the things that were 'odd' about it, and wonder how did I not see that while it was going on?! For someone who analyzes EVERYTHING, I sure do miss a lot! I think the problem is when I analyze things, not only do I see the problems, but I analyze them to the point of justification, almost like it was my fault for analyzing it in the first place. I should trust my instincts. I WILL trust my instincts. I made the statement earlier this week that I am not the pursuer, I am the pursuee (not sure if that is a word, but we are gunna go with it). Was talking with a friend about a recent guy who we had gone out on a few dates, but he is kind of wishy-washy. Everyone likes him, and she asked me well why don't you just ask him what his deal is. I said, "It's not my job to ask him. If he's not interested, I'll move on to the next. Period." I don't text first anymore, I don't call. I am not worried about being alone. I know that I won't be. Hell, I think in my lifetime the longest I have been truly single is a couple months. Maybe not even that. I am going to enjoy this time, it's actually pretty fun :)

Amazing

I didn't have time to write yesterday, so it's getting here today! Better late then never, right?! Well...not usually...I hate being late, but anywho. Yesterday I woke up in a spectacular mood. My day got better and better and was just like walking on a cloud. It has been far too long since I have felt that way. The crazy part is, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I didn't win the lottery, I didn't get a new job, I didn't have some awesome surprise waiting on me. I am just learning to be content with myself. I actually like coming home and doing my own thing, not having to worry about someone else's feelings. This may sound selfish, but I like being kind of carefree. If I don't want to talk to someone, I don't have to. That simple. If they don't like it, I tell them to hit the road, and have. It is very liberating to know that I don't NEED anyone anymore. Hell, half the time I don't even WANT anyone. Yes, there are nights when I feel like cuddling up and watching a movie with someone, but in the end I pop some popcorn, grab a Pepsi, and watch whatever movie I desire, and am just fine with that. I have never been ok with being alone. Funny thing is, now that I am ok with being alone, I am approached more. Ironic, eh? Maybe it's just because I am less pissy, and seem happier. I am happier. I also realized I do not have to settle. Not for Mr. Right Now, and not for Mr. I am better than you, so watch it or I'll leave in a heartbeat. I have been told in the past that I am better than that, that I deserve better, not by just one person, but by a few. I never believed it. Why is it we are too blind to realize this on our own? Why do we not believe it even when someone tells us? Well, I believe it now. I do deserve better than what I have settled for in the past. The next time someone tells me "I am not good enough for you." I will believe it. I have learned from those mistakes. I believe in destiny. I think that is why those people were brought in to my life. Not to cause pain, even though they did, but to make me realize my worth. I am finally realizing it :). I have survived yet another chapter in my life. My battle scars are beginning to show a bit more as I become even more independent and distant, but the one who sticks it out through it all will reap the rewards. I still have love in my heart. It may be guarded, but the one who makes it over the wall will be very lucky! :)


I realize I wrote a big run on paragraph, but I'm not even worried about it :) If you took the time to read it, thank you.

Ghosts

Have you ever thought something was done and over with and out of somewhere unexpected a memory shows it's face? It can take control of your every thought at this point, like a living breathing organism that infiltrates your very being, like a virus. I was getting along ok. Not great, but I was ok. I tried to take a stride, and boom I was smacked in the head and knocked 2 feet back. My head knows it's over. My heart is struggling to catch up. I guess rushing it didn't help. I just want it to either break completely to where I can't feel a damn thing, or to get over it. Limbo is where I do not want to be. Hell, I feel silly at times for hurting over it. SILLY. Logic tells me I am being silly, but once again....I miss him. Songs remind me of him, traffic reminds me, FOOD reminds me, it's fucking crazy. Literally...crazy. I could probably write about him for hours. I won't, but I definitely could. I miss being able to sit in silence, and be content, we didn't have to talk, we knew what the other was thinking half the time anyways. Yes, it was a difficult relationship, he was difficult, but there was something in his eyes that made it all worth it. I keep hearing, "Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY dating the right girl for me." I'm sure he doesn't remember even saying it, but that's the memory that keeps haunting me. I thought he was too. Walking away from him was like leaving pieces of myself behind. Do you believe in fate?, he asked me. Yes, but I never thought THIS was my fate.

Sunshine

It's amazing how just a little fresh air and sunshine can bring you from one mood to another. I woke up this morning and was feeling pretty numb. Throughout most of the day I felt like a zombie. I had some fun at work today for a change though if you can believe that ;). Then we got to go home early, and I went for a long walk just alone outside, trying to clear my head. It worked wonders. I caught myself smiling today...lately it was almost like I had forgotten how. Well, I had a recent night where I was laughing, and crying almost simultaneously. Talk about a weird feeling. That has never happened before, and to be honest, I hope it never does again.

Bottom line...sunshine is amazing.

Mixed

Today was an interesting day. It was emotional, and fluxuating. It started as any other, bummed about going to work. LOL. Then it went haywire, as usual. My mind starting running and boom, I was in the Twilight Zone. Everything running through my head, including being told that someone was still in love with me. How in the world can that be true, when it never seemed they loved me to begin with? A heart is like a mirror, once it's broken it can be fixed, however you can still see the cracks. I don't believe anymore that people can change. I once did, but at this point I guess I have finally realized that they don't. Not my mother, not Justin, and in the end maybe not even myself. I'd like to think I have changed, and learned, but to be honest I'm not really sure I have done either. I would love to say that I will be stronger, wiser, better next time. The truth is, I probably won't. I will care, and try, and probably regret it later on.

On a positive note...well...actually I got nothing right now. I'm doing good to not be in tears at this point.

Reflection

 There are some nights when I can't turn my brain off. If you know me at all, this doesn't surprise you. Whether it's about one thing or another, it's a never-ending movie that keeps playing over and over in my head that I break down scene by scene to analyze how it went and what it all means, etc. Last night it was mostly about the usual...

People.

 My life seems to be a revolving door. Meaning people come and go, no one ever sticks around for very long. I'm not quite sure yet if this is a reflection on me, or just the people I choose to allow in to my life. Either way I guess it's a reflection on me and my judgement. My ex-husband once told me that I was blind to people. I called him judgemental, he said I was neive. Maybe he was right. Giving people the benefit of the doubt isn't the best usually. In my experience the ones you do tend to use you in one way or another. Footprints left behind, my ass, try craters. I've hardened more than I used to be when it comes to letting someone close to me. Even now though I am still fooled from time to time. You think someone is genuine and is worth the risk of letting the wall come down. It's going to be different this time. Reality lets you know different. They will, in the end, still hurt you. I have learned hurting is inevitable. It's whether they bail on you after hurting you that is a true testament to character. Bailing is easy. Cowardly. Weak. Sticking around, proving that you are worth the effort, is not the easy path, it's the path less chosen. One word. Dedication. If the person makes you happy, why not dedicate yourself to keeping them around? "You deserve better." Is not a statement that makes sense. All that says is, " You deserve better, and I'm not willing to do the work to be better for you, it's not worth it to me. YOU are not worth it to me." At the same time, all I can do is sit there and think, "let me show you I am worth it." Which, I'm not sure which is worse, the original statement or my need to prove otherwise. I guess it's my dedication. When someone makes me happy, I tend to try my best not to lose them. Whether it's a friend, lover, or family. I would like to just once, have the effort returned. It seems I'm the option. Not the priority. Disposable. Unremarkable. I'm not sure anymore if that will ever change. I used to have hope that there was someone out there that would love me as much as I did them, but my hope in that is quickly fading. Lately, I can't even depend on myself, much less someone else. I never know which Sabrina I'm gunna get when I wake up. Is it going to be a strong "I am woman hear me roar" day, or a "oh shit FML" day? To those of you who have been witnessing my mess, you know who you are, and I thank you for being a shoulder for me. Love you.